It's all in blog....

I've got nothing to say imparticularly other than to try out this new gadget. You know its 2009 when you tell people 'its in my blog' instead of grabbing a cup of coffee and having an actual conversation....then again I have command of the conversation so to speak so why not?

Tomorrow is the second anniversary date of when my 24 year old daughter Kasey died in 2007. The 30th of the month would have been her birthday. She had become ill in July and our precious Abby, her unborn child would slip into this world quietly and was discovered by nurses simply checking Kasey's bedding. We have no idea how long she was there but it was some time for sure, and she survived a code and would live 8 hours and it's my belief she lived that long so her daddy and her Ma Mo' and Papa could meet her, smell her, touch her and tell her how very much we looked forward to her arrival and indeed she was as beautiful as we envisioned . Red hair like her mom and I could see her dad in the shape of her head and once she passed , still warm, I held that sweet child hoping that perhaps feeling my heart beat would encourage hers to begin again but it did not.

I noted instantly she smelled like her mother. Softly sweet , the same scent her mom had and never lost....I still have my children's baby blankets and I can tell you by the scent blindfolded whose blanket it is. Funny how a mother knows her children by scent....but the babies know Mommy by scent as well. Often I would leave a night shirt with my little ones if I had to leave for the market and Daddy would be at home...it soothed them and they smelled 'mom'. Truly amazing the connection of mother and child by scent and touch and one you'll never forget.

I feel my child knew when her child left and chose to go in search of her baby and so it is they slumber nestled next to each other , mother and new baby . I could not bear the thought of two caskets. No. They would lie together as a mother and infant should be and I know that it was the right decision tho some protested my choice.

It now seems that painful anniversaries will capture both July and August for us with the exception of one.....the day Abby died is the birthday of my eldest daughter and I do not believe in coincidence, I think she honored her Auntie by marking the day to begin her next journey blessing her mother's sister as she left. Kasey's birthday is the same day as my mother's so in that we have both celebration of life and one of having lived a life.

I'm 53. I'll soon be 54 . I'm starting over in life learning to do new things in a different way. I have a disability which prevents me from doing the things I was always able to do and for just a little while I quit dreaming at all....until literally a thought passed thru my mind and it was this... 'ok, so you can't do what you did before but you are still here and if you can't go thru the front door then try the back and if that is locked, climb thru a window but there is something you CAN DO SO FIGURE IT OUT. And I did. Sometimes I think some of the things that occur to me are whispered on a level I'm unaware of , perhaps not soley mine but none the less they work.

I journal my feelings and its natural for me to use metaphor, association, emotions to express how I feel when things 'hurt' and I call it 'soul speak'....to intentionally sit and write an essay or poetry doesn't cut it. But once I open my heart , my fingers fly and often once done I'll read what I've written, vaguely recalling most of it and yet there it is....the guts and the glory of it all. Sometimes macabre sometimes simple , sometimes using a style that is not mine but none the less it is there. Thats 'ME' in those words . Raw though some of it may be , that is most definately ME. I'm one to use all five senses in all things I do. Then there is that 'sixth' sense that commands the outcome and it's as natural to me as sipping through a straw.

My children are the same. Dream time and writing is our outlook and connection to that which we desire to achieve or reconcile. I use this in formulating scent and creating products and I truly believe that is the tangible evidence of what is first a 'thought' and that which is then 'spoken' and then finally that which is then 'created'. Alchemy. Absolute Alchemy. I see this at work in my children and have never grown used to it as they are constantly evolving and I suppose that means I am too.

You'd be amazed at the realization that regardless of what ability is lost another is there to be discovered and with exercise strengthened and it's then you realize you have something you didn't know you had all along and often it's things you WISHED you could do, seeing that ability in others and then you begin doing it as well.....that is when the 'but is it good enough' demons like to rush in so my best advice is to have people in your life who objectively see you and if they give you compliment --accept it and say Thank You. That's not as easy as you think.

So this endeavor I chose to see through began as a fantasy a little girl and her mom used to build upon lying across the bed, filling our shop with this and that quite often. I would be the nuts and bolts, she the brilliant artisan and craftsman and for a while it was true....three whole weeks it was completely true. Once the illness set in it would be me to fulfill as best I could given the circumstances this dream. I sought help from a man who is not only a gifted therapist but one who has walked in my shoes and the best gift he gave me was to call my home and ask that my husband and I come back, pro bono, as he had something he wanted to say . We went and he said "thank you for the gifts you left". "I've not seen anything quite like this and here is where you will heal ". "HONOR YOUR DREAMS AND YOUR DAUGHTER" . "Do what you had planned to do". "In this way you will work thru your grief and the result will be something lovely which I believe will benefit you both". "I will help you set up a business when you are ready and you may leave baskets of your work in my lobby with your cards but do not change your goal".

I'll end this here. I do believe someone needed to hear/read this. To do the things you loved to do with those you love in life honors them and keeps them very much a part of what you do and who you are. Once I realized I didn't have to use the word/emotion 'love' in past tense was extremely freeing for me. I can't say "I LOVED HER with all of my heart". The fact is, I still love her very much and I'll love her more tomorrow just as I will the daughters I can call on the phone or chat online. That is such a simple concept but one that freed me to the point that I now 'create' and 'formulate' and 'brainstorm' ideas and products and I now look for each tiny opportunity and its mind boggling how many we miss daily.

When I create I feel her with me. I feel each child I make something for. They are so very individual its easy for me to create something with just the daughter or grand daughter I'm designing something especially for and often it builds itself. All I need do is be there and be the vehicle. I'm not special. I've got the same opportunity to connect to whatever higher power is out there and though it may not be exactly what I wish it to be, it becomes what it is supposed to become and in that I can take great comfort .

Small steps. It is indeed true that the 'journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step'. So grab my hand and let's step out into the sunshine because I can't do this on my own (none of us can) 'Cuz I'm no superman'.....

Maybe next time I'll actually do a blog not so self indulgent with some real grit, wit, humor or perhaps one of the things I've written. Who knows. I think the best part of the net is the 'delete' button and the second part 'spam' LOL....in the mean time...make friends, network, be honorable and responsible with your net time , Lord knows enough people abuse the WWW but there are an awful lot of great things to learn.

The coffee cup is empty and I've got soap to blend . Love each other. No more posts on this subject regarding my babies who are gone now. Do donate to the ARDS foundation. They soley rely upon donations to keep their support group going and it's one of the most painful sites to visit. Many do not go back because this simply is not one of those 'forget it' type illnesses. We need more research to what I believe is a preventable situation and folks, healthcare is a MUST so vote for a single pay. Had my child had the coverage she needed she may very well have lived as would her child. There is complacency in many hospitals and QUALITY is also an area that needs total house cleaning in our system. THAT I will blog on in the future. You won't believe how insurance companies function . Our co-pays have quadrupled and the care is not up to par. You can get that free once a year physical.....but they don't have to pay for the simple lab work one has done or the exray's taken and you will get nickled and dimed to death....you will pay . They hire people to figure out ways to ensure their profit margins are high and your care is minimized and you have to pay to boot....Given that we get our's through the spouse's employer which is a hospital it's shocking what little is done and how much you have to pay......and pay....and pay.....okay, I think I know what my next blog will be....you just may be shocked.

Sincerely,
The Selkmeister